What an absolutely intimidating thing to sit here finishing up creative projects while a percentage of human beings are utilizing their privileges to burn the world down. I’ve been struggling as of late, and distracting myself with comfort viewing, cocktails with friends, spending money like I have it. There are so many manmade, practically imaginary rules to navigate in the dis/information age. The illusion of ‘the western world’ as the land of the free is truly dissipating. The mask has fallen and it has made a resounding crash. The shocking part is watching how many people want to try to glue the mask back together, to ‘go back’ to ‘simpler times.’ The comfort viewing. I’ve outgrown the illusion. For every moment I feel despair in these tumultuous days, I try to remember to turn my head and look at the immediate space around me and to remember the good that happens in moments of every day. Cockeyed optimism was never my strong suit but it’s the suit I’m most comfortable wearing now. Cynicism kept me making decisions based in fear: fear of what others thought, fear of being seen, fear of being vulnerable. Where did that get me? ‘How many times have you watched Golden Girls, Craig?’ ‘A perfect number of times thank you, now blow it out your ditty bag.’
Years ago, my partner got me the gift of a massage and a float in a desensitization tank for my birthday. I wasn’t able to relax at all. The massage therapist wouldn’t shut up, and the tank? Total darkness? Inability to find the sides or bottom? My 30 minute float ended up being 10 with a 20 minute hot shower. I regret not being able to just breathe and relax. Now, with time, I’m learning that regret is just angst around a decision. It’s thinking things are too big to actually change. But the thing is, change is happening. It’s happening now. And now. And now. You are floating in it. The trick is aligning your conscious with your subconscious in order to not have a crippling panic attack. There ARE things that are too big for you, personally, to change. What is possible is starting a ripple where you’re floating. It’s sharing good information. It’s floating away from active destruction. It’s daydreaming. It’s showing up for community - and this doesn’t have to mean going to every protest, or surrendering every aspect of your life to a cause, it can be shopping at a local business, writing an email to a public servant, holding a fucking door open for somebody. If you can make it to every protest, all the power to you. It’s also knowing when to retreat, and hunker down.
Does this read as hippie-dippie woo woo shit to you? That’s ok. It does to me too. I have ‘self-compassion’ written on a piece of paper that is tucked onto a corner of our bathroom mirror. It’s something I am not good at, and have to practice. I’ve never been good at practicing. Instruments, art, self-care, it’s all one thing. Mine is rooted in a lifetime of that fear-based thinking. The real beauty in growing old is how that naturally sheds. I think the practice is for what you need to do when that happens. I had a minute there of pangs of regret - ‘should have started sooner, should have done this or that, shoulda coulda woulda’ - but then I take a beat and celebrate the stuff I’ve managed to get done once I clear the decks and head out into the deeper, darker waters. I have had three artshows. I am finishing my fifth (FIFTH) album of music I’ve written and produced. I’ve managed to land in a healthy relationship and have a job that gives me the space I need to keep my creative momentum. I’m no millionaire, but I never wanted to be, and I see what that gets you. You can’t resist change, even with those millions. You can try, but you pay for so much lip filler you end up looking like a shiny prolapse.
I prescribe to no religion, no political party, no groupthink blah blah. These rambling thoughts are all from my personal experience. Learning as I go, and being mindful as I can. I am no original. I AM participating in what remains of the grand experiment of humanity, be that good bacteria or bad, here we are. Here I am. Floating.